Leave for Self-Employed Mothers in Canada

This topic is loaded for me. I have worked really hard over the last six+ months to shift my perspective from bitter to grateful on this one... but there is still a part of me that sees a flaw in the system.

The topic? Maternity leave for small business owners in Canada. 

I've been working as a consultant from home for seven years now, and the majority of that time has fallen into the self-employed window. There was a small pocket of two years where a project became so large I was actually employed through it, but when it came to an end I was left with a fork in the road. Would I look for a job or start my own consulting business? I actually applied for several perfect for me jobs, but in the end, felt like the consulting world chose me. 

Now, working from home and being self-employed certainly has it's many perks. I have a very flexible schedule, and while it's kind of the perfect job to have with older children, I knew it would be challenging in the early years. I spent a lot of time soul searching before I decided to take a leap and start my business. 

Now, many self-employed business owners do have access to the oh so lovely one year Maternity leave... if they have a corporation and are employed through it, or decide to opt in to Employment Insurance (EI)*. Without going into a big lesson on EI, as a self-employed business owner you don't have to pay into EI like every employee does, because you can't access the same typical benefits. This program is mostly used by those who get laid off seasonally or lose their jobs suddenly. It's also the program that pays for maternity and parental leaves.

The issue is, when you decide to opt in to EI, you are opted in for the remainder of your career. And, unlike those who can leave their jobs for a year and return to the same position... after a year, I'm not sure if my business would still be there (or it would take a long time to rebuild). If I decided to work part-time I would have to pay back my benefits. So, in an ideal world I would likely take something like 8-12 weeks off, and then go back to work. 

So, to opt into something like this, and only use a small number of the weeks available to me... it wouldn't pay off. I read somewhere once that I would have to have three children to break even. Thanksbutnothanks. 

I am disappointed that the system doesn't offer support for self-employed women, and the realities that come with being a business owner. The option available to us doesn't encourage, it deters. 

So where does that leave us? 

Watching my friends around me enjoy a full year off with their children was a reality I'd never have. I did fall into a bit of a feel sorry for myself funk over this fact as we discussed starting a family, but eventually shook out of it, because we are so fortunate that my husband can take a parental leave. 

Joel is an employee, and thus has the option to take a parental leave. Fathers/partners can only take up to 37 weeks of leave, as the beginning of the one year leave is called pregnancy leave. While, at this point we think he will likely only take six of the nine months, we will make an actual return to work date decision closer to the actual time. 

Joel with his nephew in 2014 / personal photo 

So, while I will be able to take some personal (unpaid) time off when the baby comes, my goal is to return to work slowly as soon as I am ready. It will be a lot to manage and navigate through in the early days with breastfeeding, sleepless nights and recovery... but I know once we get over that initial hump, this scenario will be so worth it. 

The opportunity for us to both be home in the first six months of our child's life is priceless. Had I been able to take a leave, Joel wouldn't have been able to, and so for that I'm grateful. I'm excited he gets the opportunity many fathers cannot take, and while I have to manage my work day, clients and projects with a newborn, he'll be there to help make that happen. 

In a culture where every mother gets a year off, I've gotten a few side-eyes over our situation; however, I know this is the option that will work the best for our family. I'm excited to be able to navigate and learn along side my husband as we transition into parenthood.

What does parental leave look like in your family? 

*This varies by province. 

Team green for the control-freak

Having many Type-A tendencies, long before this pregnancy was ever planned, I was always firmly in the find out what you're having camp. I can totally relate to the reason of "I would have to know for planning purposes."

Joel on the other hand, was a big fan of the surprise. My initial reaction was that I could never do it. There was no way. However, with time I started to think about the perks of not finding out what we were having, and by the time we were pregnant, I knew I could do it.

I never thought it would be easy for me, and I thought I would be seriously tempted to be a Team Green dropout when the time came, but to my surprise, it has been relatively easy! So, I thought it would be fun to share some of the motivating factors that made this decision easy to stick to, and heck, even get excited about!

There are very few surprises left in life - I think this is the most common motivator for people, and one of the biggest reasons my husband did not want to find out. For me, I'm not huge on surprises, but this was one I could control. I know it's coming and it's one or the other. I didn't start to get excited about this one until a little while in my pregnancy, and now, it's something I can get teary just thinking about. We get to find out whether this kicking monster is a boy or a girl by meeting him or her in person!

We did miss out on a fun cake reveal! Cake by: Ashley Cakes Image via Instagram: @ashleycakesnc 

Gender-neutral stuff for future children - Everything we're collecting in baby gear and clothing at this point is gender-neutral. In the event that we decide to have a second child and it's the opposite sex, we won't have a plethora of gender-specific items or feel we need to start from scratch with clothing.

Needs-based shower - When you don't know what you're having showers tend to be less clothing-focused. I'll be perfectly upfront here that this was a big influencer in my decision. That control-freak side of me would like to keep things as needs-based as possible. We have been more than happy with hand-me-downs and with clothing I am a big fan of thrifting. I also don't want to end up with too much pink or blue clothing, I like a good mix of neutrals.

Name secrecy - While keeping the name a secret is certainly not specific to sticking to Team Green, I have found people harass me less about names because we don't know what we're having. We're keeping it a secret from everyone and by saying we're waiting to meet our baby and see what we're having, people don't press you too much on the name front.

Image captured by Heather Golde Photography 

Guessing is fun -  I think this might be the part that drives people to find out. The need to know... I on the other hand am having so much fun guessing what we're having. We've had our minds set on a girl most of this pregnancy, but there are certainly enough days I think about having a boy too. You just can't know and continuing to guess and hearing people's predictions has been a lot of fun.

Printable Gender Voting Chalkboard available via Easy

Regrets don't seem to exist - The first thing people tend to ask me is what we're having, and when we say we don't know, you tend to get one of three reactions: the "Good for you! That's the best moment" response from people that have experienced it themselves; the "I wish we had done that" response from people that regret finding out; and the, "I could never do that! I had to/would have to know!" group. I don't think we'll live to regret this one, but I know if we had caved I probably would have wished we hadn't found out.

I'm definitely eager to know whether we're having a boy or girl, and which of our chosen names we love so much will be the one... but the wait will definitely be worth that moment.

Did you decide to find out the sex? What were the reasons for your decision?

first trimester in review

Ahh the first trimester. What a treat, am I right? I think if I had to describe those early weeks in one word, unfortunately the word would be fear. I felt on edge and nervous about a sticky babe (as hard as I worked to find excitement in each day), and fearful of what the next day would bring. Would it get worse? How bad would I feel? 

Overall, I feel pretty fortunate with the first trimester - while every pregnancy is different, I have been documenting the experience on a weekly basis, and it has been fun to look back on. 

Physically

While I'm not big on believing in the concept of luck, I do consider myself lucky that I didn't have to combat any serious nausea or vomiting in my early pregnancy. The biggest challenge I faced was a ridiculous amount of food aversions, raging acid reflux, and a lack of appetite, yet constant need to eat. It wasn't fun, and I certainly wouldn't have survived if my husband hadn't taken the reigns in the kitchen (which was hard because I love cooking). 

Some other physical elements symptoms from the first trimester were terrible insomnia in the beginning. I was never a great sleeper to begin with, but the first few weeks I would wake up for extended periods of time in the middle of the night and was wide awake early in the morning. This tapered off to about 2-3 quick wake-ups a night in the second half of the first trimester. 

I also had consistent cramping throughout the first trimester. I knew this was normal, but I definitely had to keep my anxiety in check on that one. 

Emotionally 

Holy hormones! This one took both my husband and I both by a bit of a surprise. I mean, you hear about pregnancy hormones... but until you're in the thick of it, I don't think you know what you got yourself into! 

One reassuring element of the crazy emotions that came along with new hormones racing through my body, was that I was typically very aware of the fact that I was being ridiculous. The emotions would take over, but logic was still in there somewhere. 

The first trimester will probably be remembered and summarized by what has become known as the pizza meltdown. One afternoon, I wanted nothing but pizza in the peak of my aversions. When my husband expressed that he didn't want pizza and I told him that was okay and he could bring home something else if he decided on it. When he decided on chicken burgers, we hung up the phone and I started crying. It didn't stop for over an hour, and when he came home he was quite shocked to see my emotional state over not getting pizza. The snowball of wanting pizza, not getting pizza, not wanting to cook, not wanting to eat healthy, and beyond really created the most epic of meltdowns I think I've ever had in front of my husband. We both kind of laughed at pregnancy and after he served up some chicken burgers, I started crying again. 

Highlights of the First Trimester 
As we figured this whole pregnancy thing out, there were many highlights in these first few months.

Telling Family and Friends
It came with great debate as to whether to tell our parents early in pregnancy. I was a bit worried about my mom's ability to keep the secret. When we found out, we already happened to have a joint dinner planned with both of our parents two weeks later. Considering my husband's parents live over 12 hours away, we ultimately decided to take advantage of the opportunity. The dinner fell on the week of my mom's birthday and we told everyone via my mom's birthday gift - a birthday card from her future grandchild and a t-shirt that she was instructed she couldn't wear until late April. The shirt said, "Great mom's get promoted to Grammie!"

Throughout the first trimester we told close friends and in my eleventh week we announced to our extended family via my mom's shirt. It was so much fun telling our loved ones.

Ultrasound and a Heartbeat!
As much as sharing with friends and family, and laughing over a pizza meltdown are definitely fun memories from the first trimester, that first ultrasound at eight weeks takes the cake. The validation of the pregnancy and listening to a speedy little heartbeat made it all real, and brought relief like nothing else.

In reflection, the first trimester was definitely a period of adjustment. We managed a lot of fears, felt a lot of excitement and grew closer together in our relationship and marriage. Knowing our love had literally created a little person growing inside of me was something words will never be able to quantify. Before we knew it we had hit the second trimester and it was time to go public. 

What were the highlights of your first trimester? 

finding a care provider

Being a planner by nature, I had spent plenty of time thinking about and researching pregnancy long long before it ever happened. I have sort of been fascinated by pregnancy and birth since I was a little girl. During my house playing days, it seemed that on a weekly basis the plot involved a pillow under my shirt, and later in childhood, sick days were always spent watching A Baby Story on TLC. One of my favourite TV characters of all time was Addison Montgomery, and of course Mindy Lahiri.

So, I had a lot of ideas about what pregnancy would be like before it happened, and like most things, reality always steered away from execution. One thing that stuck and was very important to me in the process though was having a midwife for a care provider.

Personal photo - 21 week ultrasound 

In Ontario, midwifery care is covered by the Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, and can be accessed for free by residents of Ontario. The catch is that you must choose between medical or midwifery care - you can't have both. I actually have a great relationship with my family doctor; however, in my area family doctors only cover a portion of pregnancy before you're referred to a family doctor that is also a delivery doctor. And, when it's all said and done that delivery doctor may not even be present for your delivery (depending on when you go into labour).

Obtaining a midwife was not quite as smooth as I had hoped. I contacted them the week I found out I was pregnant and was absolutely shocked when I found out I was already on a waiting list. Cue first hormonal meltdown on the phone with the receptionist. I think she took pity on me, because the next day they magically had a spot in the practice for me. 

It wasn't until I began working with our midwife clinic that I realized how many incredible benefits there were to working with a midwife instead of continuing with my doctor's office. 

Labour Support
One huge selling feature for me was that the midwife stays with you throughout labour. Your primary midwife will join you once you're actively labouring and stay with you the duration of labour. When you're getting close to pushing your secondary midwife joins for the delivery.

Two Midwives 
This leads to the second point that I learned after I became pregnant and working with the midwives. I personally love that you have a primary and secondary midwife. Your primary midwife is who you see on your prenatal visits and she is the mother's midwife. Your secondary midwife is your baby's midwife, so after delivery, she helps with the baby, while your primary helps with you. I've worked with my secondary midwife several times throughout pregnancy as well (for example, when my midwife was off-call), and love that I have a relationship with them both. In the rare event that my primary is at another birth when I go into labour, my secondary becomes my primary, and a third midwife will be called in. I have a huge amount of relief knowing that I have established relationships with both midwives and can trust one will be for sure present for labour and delivery.

Image painted by Amanda Greavette, These Hands, Print copy available on Etsy

After Care and Home Visits
Another huge perk was the amount of after care and home visits involved right after the baby arrives. In our practice midwives do home visits on days one, three, five and sometimes again between days seven and ten. You then have two visits between two and six weeks postpartum at the clinic. Afterwards, care returns to your family doctor. I personally love the amount of interaction, support and assistance offered in those early days.

Holistic Philosophy 
I don't want to label myself as too crunchy here, but I definitely prescribe to a bit more of a holistic type lifestyle, and this for me lines up well with the philosophy midwives carry. While I am open to how labour will play out (because we really can only plan for so much), I really love that your midwife has an investment in what your goals are, and are grounded in informed decision making. It's your body, your life, and they're there to guide you with the information they have and laying out the best options given your circumstances.

Speciality in Pregnancy and Childbirth 
I personally love that pregnancy and childbirth are literally the only thing midwives do. Unlike family doctors, they specialize in one thing only. To me, that level of knowledge and experience is invaluable and really played a role in my decision to work with a midwife.

On Call 24/7
I haven't had to make use of a middle of the night page, but there is literally a midwife on call 24/7 and that brings me great comfort. I've only had to page my midwife a few times at this point (during the day), but knowing that someone will get back to you within minutes is so nice and from there you can gauge with their help the next steps (versus going straight to the hospital).

Options for Birthing Location
While we have opted out of a home birth for our first child, it's something I'm open to exploring in the future. I also had the option of choosing between three hospitals for my birthing location.

Personal photo - An early preview of a labouring room at 16 weeks after needing a Rhogam shot after a bleeding scare

I'm not trying to paint a picture of sunshine and roses to urge and convince everyone to go and work with a midwife, but merely sharing the positives of my experience thus far. The important thing is making a choice that you aligns with your comfort level and values. With every situation, there are also downfalls that I would like to highlight as well.

You May Need to Transfer Care
There are a variety of reasons a midwife may need to transfer you into medical care, depending on how your pregnancy may play out. This can also include prior to taking you on as a client, as certain high-risk pregnancies cannot work with midwives, as the mother needs to be monitored in a medical setting (for example, multiples beyond twins, mothers with cardiac disease or insulin-dependent diabetes). Sometimes transfer of care is temporary; however, depending on the severity of the situation, you may need to switch providers. Situations that result in transfer of care range from severe hypertension or pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes requiring pharmacologic treatment, placental abruption to a fetal presentation that cannot be delivered vaginally. I definitely am hoping that I will not be faced with this scenario, but am comforted by the fact that the midwives know when they need to transfer care for my and the baby's safety.

Not Knowing Who To Contact Sometimes 
This is a minor downfall, and almost laughable, but sometimes it's hard to figure out if you should call your midwife or your doctor. Sometimes something funky happens with your body, but it may also be linked to pregnancy. In this case it's kind of hard to figure out whether you should call your midwife or doctor.

I'll be sure to provide a full circle update on my experience of working with a midwife after delivery and the postpartum period.

What kind of provider are you working with? What factors contributed to your decision?

our journey to pregnancy

I think most people think/hope/expect that when they start trying for a baby that *boom* it'll happen and you're pregnant. While that may happen for some, I think many of us quickly discover that getting pregnant really isn't as easy for most people as they teach you in Sex-Ed.

Trying to make a baby is kind of any Type-A's worst nightmare. If you like planning and ground yourself in it - this is where you're going to learn otherwise. Just as I'm sure the actual baby in your life will knock your socks off when it comes to scheduling and planning your life (stay tuned on that one...).

The plan was always to make babies after our wedding. My husband really wanted to make that happen before we got married, but I held my ground on getting married first and the plan became all systems a go after the wedding. However, as the wedding approached, the idea of a baby right after the wedding was no longer our first priority.

On our honeymoon something shifted (okay, we found out more friends were expecting) and we discussed that we should just stop preventing. After charting to avoid pregnancy for nearly two years, it was kind of hard to not know whether or not we were actually in the window for baby making potential. The funny thing is, we decided okay, maybe we should wait a bit longer, but then I kind of misread my chart (for the first time in the two years) and that one little time actually ended up in the window.

Personal photo from our West coast road trip honeymoon - Ruby Beach, Washington 

The next two weeks were kind of crazy-making. Okay not kind of. There were straight up nutty. I was really thrown off and stressed out experiencing my first two week wait. The lack of control and my lack of patience really wasn't a great combination. That one little time seemed unlikely to result in a pregnancy, but as the end of my wait neared, I felt all of these things that had me wondering whether I actually was.

I took a test before leaving to visit my in-laws out of town. Negative. I was surprised. We went away, and my period was officially late (three days). My boobs ached, I was exhausted. I had to be pregnant.

We ended up leaving a night earlier than planned, and got a hotel on our way home (it's a 15 hour drive). That next morning, I crawled out of bed finally ready to use my other pregnancy test. As I waited the couple of minutes pacing the bathroom, I looked down and saw a very faint, yet obvious second line.

Holy moly.  I was pregnant.  One time. The first try. 

I woke up Mr. Marshmallow and told him, and he looked and agreed - the line was there.

We spent the rest of the long drive home talking about that little poppy seed inside of me. My mind was spinning.

That night I started spotting. I immediately started to panic, and wondered what this meant.

Still more spotting in the morning, I called my doctor. Negative test. It wasn't looking good. And that evening the blood turned red and it was all over. Chemical pregnancy.

I can't really describe the feeling, but the next few months were a blur of anxiety, stress and impatience around trying to quickly replace the loss I didn't want to deal with.

Something shifted after a particularly cathartic cry in December when another two long cycles had passed since our chemical pregnancy.  I finally acknowledged the loss instead of trying to replace it with another pregnancy to make it all okay. That impatience, lack of control, and anxiety around trying and timing and just wanting and willing it to happen wasn't working... and I knew I really needed to change the way I was looking at it for my own sanity.

Another two cycles later I had a new attitude, and a new found level of patience and humility in the process. I worked really hard to find the joy in waiting and the excitement of this period in our marriage.

And at the end of February, those two little lines appeared much sooner than they had before, and they kept getting darker day after day. Those first few weeks and months were celebrated with held breath, and we had to work hard to find the excitement in those early days. But the days and weeks kept progressing, and after two positive ultrasounds I finally started to believe this was actually happening.

Personal photo

Our journey wasn't particularly long, but it was filled with many life lessons we're grateful for. I learned so much about myself, our relationship and marriage in those five months of trying. 

Personal photo - Our announcement made at 13 weeks

hello!

Well, hey there!

Like many before me, I naturally progressed from obsessively reading Weddingbee to obsessively reading Hellobee. I blogged our wedding journey under the moniker Mrs. Narwhal, and couldn't be more excited to blog our next journey in life here.

Before I totally dive into things, I wanted to share a little bit about ourselves.

We're the Marshmallows and we can be found living in Muskoka, Ontario. Muskoka is known for it's beautiful summers and the influx of tourists escaping to their cottages in the warmer months, and we choose to hang out in the woods year-round. We met one fateful summer four years ago, and after diving head first into our relationship found ourselves buying our house rather quickly and got married in our own little backyard forest last summer.

Image courtesy of Isos Photography

It came to no surprise to anyone in our lives when we announced our pregnancy in our first year of marriage (although the journey to get there wasn't as smooth as I had naively assumed it would be). Starting a family has been on both of our minds far longer than we ever knew each other, and that desire and goal was definitely one of the things that stuck out about each other when we first met.

Personal photo - 20 weeks

So here we are, entering into the third trimester of pregnancy and expecting our first child this Fall. We're pretty excited to navigate this experience together and share our journey with you all here.